You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
