I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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