Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
