He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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