Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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