My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
