You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
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