I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
