My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
