and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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