final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
