You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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