My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize