my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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