WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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