im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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