He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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