What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
