I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize