Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
