I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
