ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
