my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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