My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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