I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
