I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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