haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
