So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
