I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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