Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
