I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The beer is more important than you right now.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize