I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
