don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
