Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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