i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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