after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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