so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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