Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
