Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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