I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This toilet bowl is my home.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
