He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
