I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
