So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
