I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
