i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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