she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
