please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
