i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
