The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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