My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
