I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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