I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i barfeds in our rink
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
