Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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