Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
