Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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