It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
