Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
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