Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
