We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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