just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
smell my finger.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Two words: blizzard sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
