tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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