I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize