he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
